How to Cope with Going Home Alan Paul The reaction to my last column, regarding our decision to leave China early and return to the U.S. in December, was overwhelming. I received so much mail and found so much of it insightful that I wanted to share it in a special mailbag column. Readers wrote in to share their own experiences returning home or moving on to other assignments, often offering sage advice and guidance. It was the ultimate example of something I have written countless times in responses to reader mail over the past two and a half years: I have learned as much from all of you as anyone has from me. There is one thing I want to point out, however: I am in Beijing until late December and will continue writing the column. Please don't talk about The Expat Life in past tense! I will certainly endeavor to, as Mark Lavalle of Shanghai suggested, 'capture as many of the thoughts about heading home as possible in the next six months.' Many readers also noted that the transition back to life in the U.S. will be a tough one, and asked me to continue chronicling my experience. I will do so, even if, as Paul Sumerall noted, I am about 'to enter some less-than-exciting times.' He went on to put his finger on many of my concerns: 'Going home is harder than going abroad. Life in a new culture is like living 24/7 with a super -heightened sense of awareness. Returning to the States is not really a return to reality -- it's a return to a life that runs for the most part on auto-pilot. It will never stimulate like living abroad did. 'You realize how much of the pleasure of the experience was in learning to do the simple acts of daily life -- which everyone beyond infancy here can handle quite well -- and people will not be able to fathom how you could possibly be assigning such value to those experiences. Nevertheless, it is something you and your family will never forget; it's still a common theme for my grown kids and my wife that always brings back smiles and gets a conversation going. Good luck and be glad -- it was worth every minute.' * * * This was a common theme in the letters: There are difficulties to living the expat life and difficulties in giving it up, and many shared their own experiences. While some of these tales were about very difficult chapters in the writers' lives, few hold any regrets about their decisions, either to become expats or to return home. This is doubly true when it comes to their kids. John Ward of Texas was one of many who wrote me encouraging notes about the positive impact that their expat experiences had on their children. 'My family and I lived in Brussels for three years,' he wrote. 'My kids were 11 and 14 when we moved there, very much against their will. The children attended the International School of Brussels. What an incredible experience to make friends (which they continue to keep) with people from around the world. 'My son is now 22 and my daughter 19. Since returning to the U.S., they have traveled frequently back to Europe. As a direct result of our expat assignment, their lives and philosophies have been enriched far beyond what they would have been in our small town of Friendswood, Texas. While we all still take pride in being Americans, there is part of us that would like to claim World Citizenship.' * * * Nancy Spady, an American who lived in Italy before returning to New Jersey -- her childhood home, but a new locale for her family -- wrote me a long letter filled with good advice. She was one of several people to emphasize the importance of saying proper good-byes and to promote the value of revisiting China within my first year of moving back. It is definitely something I hope to do, for the sake of both me and my kids. Ms. Spady also related to what I wrote about how the expat experience had changed my perspective on belongings. 'I also care a lot less than I did about all of this stuff we've been dragging around and storing. I cannot believe how much I still have in boxes, and I really don't miss it. Perhaps that's a lesson lots of overextended people in the U.S. could use. This puts me a bit out of touch with most of my neighbors.' She concluded by telling me that my return will be 'familiar and unfamiliar in many surprising ways. But if you use the skills you acquired as an expat and go with the flow, you'll do just fine.' * * * On the theme of being potentially out of touch with the neighbors, Paul Aaronson wrote, 'My wife, our son and I went to London in 1988 for a planned three-to-five year commitment and returned nine years and three kids later. We had been warned that the transition could be extremely difficult. It was. We settled in Connecticut and as well-educated and well-traveled as people in Fairfield County are, we found them to be dull, completely 'geo-centric' and entirely involved in what we viewed as mundane existences. 'It wasn't that we were so worldly and sophisticated; it was just that by interacting with people from all over the world every day, we developed a different perspective on the world. Guess what? It actually doesn't revolve around the United States. It was not that we had become anti-American by any means, just receptive to a wider rainbow of opinions about things that matter besides what kind of car you were thinking of buying, what club to join or how many square feet your house is. We couldn't find anyone in Connecticut, other than other returned expats, who understood that frustration. 'Oddly, we rarely questioned our decision to come back, despite how miserable we sometimes felt. We missed our friends, we missed the travel, missed everything that was different about living over there, but ultimately, we just didn't seem to miss being there anymore. It took about a year or so, but as we settled into a comfortable suburban existence, we felt even more blessed. We had the comforts of living here (I won't apologize for the excesses of the American lifestyle), we made new friends, and the horizon-expanding experience that we had lived for nine years, truly immersed in another culture, was still with us, along with great memories and stories that we will always tell.' * * * Lindsay Young was one of many writers to note that the transition back to living in the U.S. was more difficult than the initial one to living abroad had been. 'I was a changed woman when I returned home after serving in Armenia for the Peace Corps for three years, but most of my friends and family did not understand it. I believe that 'getting back to reality,' which I also heard more than once, is a silly phrase. After four years of being home, it sometimes does seem like my volunteer experience was the 'hazy dream' you referred to. I had hoped that wouldn't happen, but it has. Still, I wouldn't trade my experience in Armenia for the world!' Alan Seigrist of Hong Kong was also struck by people telling me it was time to get back to reality. 'This is interesting,' he wrote. 'I have lived half of my 42 years overseas (in Thailand, Laos, Japan, Vietnam, Philippines, Jordan, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Shanghai, Singapore, Sydney and Seoul), the other half in the U.S. and one thing I have learned is the sense of 'reality' in the U.S. is actually very unique in the world. Those of us who have traveled extensively would argue that the U.S. is more akin to a fantasy and the rest of the world 'reality.'' * * * To help with my own adjustment, Emily Wingfield in Brussels suggested two books, which returning friends have highly recommended to her: The Art of Coming Home by Craig Storti and Homeward Bound: A Spouse's Guide to Repatriation by Robin Pascoe. * * * Regular correspondent Craig Wilson of Bangkok also picked up on my annoyance that some friends and family members had told me it is 'time to get back to reality.' 'I've long since determined that reality is what you make of it, where you make it,' he wrote. 'You'll carry with you all of the memories and experiences from your time in China, and your life in New Jersey will be very different -- and very much better -- as a result.' He concluded with a widespread piece of advice, one that I certainly plan to heed: 'In the interim, enjoy every moment!' 离家不易 回国亦难 Alan Paul 我在《老外在中国》专栏上一篇文章里提到，我们决定今年12月提前返回美国。没想到，这篇文章引起了不小 的反响。我收到了很多读者写来的邮件，其中有许多很有启发，我想单独写篇文章来与大家分享一下。 读者在来信中谈到了他们自己回国或接受其他任务的经历，其中往往还提出了很有见地的建议。我回复了数不 清的来信，过去两年半来我还从没遇到过这种情况。如果说读者从我这里学到了什么，那么，读者给我的启发 同样很多。 不过有件事我想先说明：我会在北京一直呆到12月底，而且会继续这个专栏。因此，提到《老外在中国》这个 专栏的时候请不要用过去时。我当然会（像上海读者Mark Lavalle建议的那样）“在接下来的6个月里尽可能 多地搜集有关回国的想法”。 许多读者指出，回到美国生活会是一件不容易的事，他们还希望我把这些经历继续写下去。我会的，即使我会 像读者Paul Sumerall指出的那样，开始一段“不那么兴奋的时期”。他还针对我的很多担心给我出谋划策： “回国比当初出国更难。在一种新的文化环境下生活就像时时刻刻处于一种高度紧张的感知状态，而回到美国 呢，并不是回到现实，而是回到一种大多数时间彷佛就像坐在有自动导航功能的汽车上一样的生活。再没有在 国外生活的种种刺激了。” “你知道这段经历的乐趣在很大程度上就在于学习日常生活中的那些简单事务，这些事在这里除了婴儿每个人 都能应付自如，而人们想像不出你对这些经历可能会给出多高的价值评判。不过，这些是你和你的家人永远不 会忘记的事。这也是我的妻子和尚且年幼的孩子们经常谈论的一个愉快的话题。祝你好运并保持好心情，这里 的每一天都是值得的。” * * * 来信中间的一个普遍话题是：在国外生活固然艰苦，而放弃这种生活也不容易。许多人跟我提到了他们自己的 经历。虽然这些故事都是作者生活中艰辛的一面，但很少人对他们的决定──不论是当初出国还是后来回国 ──感到后悔。 有很多人写信就国外生活给孩子们的积极影响鼓励我，来自得克萨斯的John Ward就是其中之一。“我和家人 在布鲁塞尔住了三年，”他写道，“我们刚迁过去的时候，两个孩子非常不愿意。他们一个11岁，一个14岁。 后来他们进入布鲁塞尔国际学校。他们发现，能跟来自世界各地的人交朋友是件多棒的事啊。他们现在还跟那 些朋友保持联系。” “现在，我儿子22岁，女儿19岁。回到美国后，他们还会不时地重返欧洲。我们在国外工作的一个直接结果是， 他们两人的生活和思想比假设我们一直呆在得克萨斯弗兰兹伍德小城要丰富得多。虽然我们都为自己是美国人 感到骄傲，但我们在某种程度上也乐意称自己是世界公民。” * * * Nancy Spady在写给我的长信里提出了很好的建议。她出生在新泽西，曾在意大利生活过，后来她和家人回到 了新泽西。在来信的读者中，她是少数几个向我强调安排适当的告别活动的重要性并指出回国后第一年内重访 中国很有意义的人之一。这当然是我希望的事，这对我和孩子们都很有价值。 我在专栏中写过国外生活改变了我对财产的看法，Spady也谈到了这方面的话题。“我后来对所有那些我们来 回带来带去舍不得扔的东西变得非常不在意了。我简直不能相信自己还在储物盒子里存着那么多东西，而我真 地已经不惦记了。或许许多喜欢承受过多负担的美国人从这里也可以吸取教训。我跟我那时的很多邻居也不怎 么联系了。” 最后她告诉我，回国后我会“在很多意想不到的方面感到熟悉或不熟悉。但如果你能运用你在国外生活期间获 得的技巧，顺其自然，你就会应付裕如。” * * * 关于可能会跟国外的邻居失去联系的话题，读者Paul Aaronson写道：“1988年，因工作关系我和妻子、儿子 搬到伦敦，计划在那里生活3-5年。后来我们一直在伦敦住了9年，在那里又生了两个孩子。之前有人提醒我们 说，回国后的转变会相当困难。的确如此。回来后我们在康涅狄格安了家，跟法菲尔德县的人们一样享受良好 的教育，时常旅行。不过我们感到他们很迟钝，相当封闭，完全沉溺于在我们看来很世俗的生活里。” “倒不是说我们有多么见多识广、处事练达，只是，每天跟来自世界各地的人相互交往，我们看待世界有了不 同的角度。想想看，世界居然不是围着美国转的。不是说我们变得抵触美国人了，而是我们乐于接受对有意义 的事有各种不同的看法，而不只是关心你准备买哪种车、准备参加哪个俱乐部或者你家房子有多大等等这类问 题。但在康涅狄格我们没发现任何能理解这种挫折感的人，除了其他从国外回来的人。” “奇怪的是，我们很少怀疑当初回国的决定，不论我们有时对此感到多么伤感。我们想念朋友、想念到处旅行， 想念在那里生活遇到的不同于这里的每件事，但无论怎样，我们似乎并没想着再回去。这个过程大约持续了一 年左右。但随着我们逐渐适应熟悉的（康涅狄格）郊区生活，我们感到更满足了。我们享受着这里的舒适生活 （我不会为美国人生活方式的过分舒适感到愧疚），我们结交了新朋友，而我们在国外生活那九年、在另一种 文化里浸淫所获得的开阔视野仍影响着我们，我们永远不会忘记那些宝贵的记忆和故事。” * * * 有很多读者指出，回到美国的生活比当初刚搬到国外生活需要适应的转变更困难。比如读者Lindsay Young写 道： “我作为美国和平队成员在亚美尼亚生活了3年，回到美国时我明显变了，但我的大多数朋友和家人对此并不 理解。我认为，我不止一次听到的“回到现实”的告诫完全是胡说。回国4年后，有时候我感到在亚美尼亚的 志愿者经历用你的话说就像是一场“幻梦”。我以前曾希望没发生过这段经历，但事实是它发生了。不过，现 在给我任何东西也换不到这段经历。” 香港读者Alan Seigrist对人们告诫我该回到现实的说法也很有感触。“这个说法很有意思，”他写道，“我 出生后的42年时间有一半是在海外度过的，包括泰国、老挝、日本、越南、菲律宾、约旦、台湾、香港、上海 和新加坡、悉尼、首尔等，另外一半是在美国。我学到的一件事是，美国的所谓‘现实’感实际上是全世界独 一无二的。我们这些到处旅行的人会认为，相比之下，美国的生活更有一种幻梦的感觉，而世界其他地方则是 ‘现实’的 ”。 * * * 为帮助我自己做判断，布鲁塞尔的Emily Wingfield向我推荐了两本书，这也是回国的朋友强烈推荐给她的， 一本是Craig Storti写的The Art of Coming Home，另一本是Robin Pascoe写的Homeward Bound: A Spouse's Guide to Repatriation。 * * * 驻曼谷的外派记者Craig Wilson谈到了我对于一些朋友和家人告诉我该回到现实的烦恼。“我一向认为，所谓 现实就是你从现实里获得的东西以及你是在哪里获得的。你在中国期间获得的所有记忆和经历将伴随着你，而 你在新泽西的生活会非常不同，而且会因为有中国的那段经历而变得更好。 最后他给了我一个普遍适用、我肯定会接受的建议。他说：在生活环境转换的这段时间，尽情享受每一刻吧。 （Alan Paul是《吉他世界》(Guitar World)的高级编辑，同时也为美国篮球杂志《灌篮》(Slam)撰写文章。 因妻子工作需要，他举家从美国新泽西迁住中国，现居北京。）